Why is it So Hard to Ask for Help? – Hyper-Independence and Trauma
- Fortitude Psychological Therapy
- 3 days ago
- 4 min read
For some, asking for help comes naturally. But for those with hyper-independence, it can be an extremely difficult thing to do. I’m not just talking about seeking professional help in the form of therapy – I mean generally asking for help on a day-to-day basis too.
What is Hyper-Independence and What Does It Look Like?
The term hyper-independent is used to describe a person who rarely, if ever, asks for, seeks or accepts help from others.
Hyper-independence has a few different components. In part, it’s an emotional response. You might feel you can’t ask, shouldn’t need, or don’t require help with any aspect of your life.
There’s also a cognitive component. You may have certain beliefs about what it means to do things on your own and what it means to ask for help. Doing things by yourself and not needing anybody else may have positive associations while relying on others has negative associations. You may also have certain beliefs about how others will respond if you ask for help. For example, you think they will refuse, let you down, or consider you a burden.
Finally, there’s a behavioural component to hyper-independence. Part of it is just getting on with things and coping by yourself.
Things to Look Out For
To be a little more specific, here are some signs you might be hyper-independent:
You not only struggle to ask for help, but you also find it hard to accept help when it’s offered.
You experience shame or embarrassment when asking for help
You have great difficulty communicating your needs and wants to other people
You’re reluctant to share your problems or struggles with others
You experience a lot of fear in close relationships
You’ve deliberately built a life that is not at all reliant on other people
You feel exhausted and overwhelmed maintaining this state
Hang On, Isn’t Being Independent a Good Thing?
Often, people see a desire for independence and the ability to cope on their own as a positive thing. They believe relying on other people makes them vulnerable in some way, so being independent can only be a good thing. There is some truth to this. Being self-sufficient can be a positive thing, but there’s a fine line between independence and hyper-independence.
Ideally, we’d all land somewhere in the middle. We don’t want to be overly dependent on other people, and we should be able to do certain things by ourselves, but it’s important our independence isn’t taken to the extreme.
When it is, it can be really unhelpful. Hyper-independence is particularly problematic in relationships. This might be friendships, romantic relationships, relationships in the workplace, and just generally anywhere that teamwork and interdependent reliance is required.
Hyper-Independence and Trauma
Hyper-independence is often a trauma response. For example, you might have had experiences where you’ve learned you cannot rely on other people for protection, support or emotional validation. This can occur when someone has been subjected to various types of abuse and the people around them have been unable or unwilling to protect and support them. It can also happen when someone’s attempts to seek help and report abuse are not recognised or acted upon. These sorts of experiences lead to mistrust and a belief that protection, help and support cannot be accessed.
Hyper-independence can also come from not having your emotional and/or physical needs met. The likelihood of developing hyper-independent habits increases if you experienced these things in childhood. For example, if you were often left to your own devices as a child and grew used to not having your needs or wants considered, you may find yourself repeating these patterns as an adult. Essentially, you learned that what you want and how you feel doesn’t matter, so there’s no point sharing it. You struggle to fully communicate this to other people and find it’s easier to become self-sufficient.
In a similar vein, experiences of being ashamed, ridiculed and punished for seeking help can make it difficult to do so later in life. This might be due to fear of negative consequences or because you’ve developed the belief that asking for help is a negative behaviour.
Overcoming Hyper-Independence
Processing trauma and working through difficult things from the past can shift your perspective on asking for help. In turn, this can lead to a change in your hyper-independent habits and behaviours.
Relationships are quite important for overcoming hyper-independence. Building a healthy level of trust with the right kind of people is important. This doesn’t mean simply trusting everyone with everything. Being able to ascertain who we trust and with what is a really important skill.
Learning how to recognise what we need and communicate this in a way that enables us to have our needs met is also a healthy way to overcome hyper-independence.
Get the Help You Need
The good news is these are all things you can work on in therapy. If you’re struggling with hyper-indepndnce as a result of trauma and you’d like an expert to help you heal and recover, please get in touch. Alternatively, subscribe to The Trauma Toolbox to receive my insights and tips straight to your inbox every month. I also share lots of mental health education via Instagram.
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