Why Becoming a Mum Often Brings Past Trauma Back to the Surface
Becoming a mum frequently brings past trauma, especially childhood wounds, to the surface. In this article, I want to explore the reasons behind this and offer plenty of reassurance. However difficult things feel right now, you can break free, one healing step at a time.
The Impact of Becoming a Mum
I had no idea becoming a mum would shake me to the core. It’s the biggest thing that’s ever happened to me. It’s also the most beautiful, and the most challenging thing I’ve ever done. And I did some pretty crazy stuff during my time in the military!
Pregnancy, birth, and the postpartum period place huge demands on your nervous system. You’re probably running on very little sleep. You may be recovering physically from the birth, and your ability to meet your own needs is usually diminished. The things you normally do to cope or soothe yourself may not be possible. On top of this, you’re navigating massive hormonal changes, and huge shifts in your identity and relationships.
The strain on your resilience can lower your ability to suppress and manage emotions and other difficult things. At the same time, you’re facing a great deal of societal pressure and expectations around what it means to be a ‘good mum’.
Becoming a Mum After Trauma
Clearly, the perinatal period leaves mothers extremely vulnerable. For survivors of trauma, this is even more true.
When past trauma resurfaces, it doesn’t always show up as straightforward PTSD. It can arrive in the form of other related difficulties which may or may not be specific to the postnatal period.
For example, you might experience:
Intense, sudden rage, anger, panic, or anxiety that feels out of proportion to the current moment.
Feeling emotionally flat, detached or withdrawn when your baby or partner needs you.
Heavy shame or guilt and a need to control every detail because you fear repeating past mistakes or not being ‘good enough’.
Constantly scanning for danger and struggling to let anyone else care for your baby.
Intrusive thoughts and unwanted mental images about your child’s safety or your capacity to nurture.
Why Does This Happen?
Having children forces us to address our relationship with things like attachment, safety, and protection, which can easily pull past wounds into the present.
For some, becoming a mother is what it takes to even recognise they’ve been through something traumatic. This is particularly true when it comes to certain childhood experiences. For example, you might not understand the impact of what DIDN’T happen while you were growing up until caring for a newborn triggers a difficult response. It’s hard to be needed 24/7 if you never had your own needs met and went on to become an adult who still finds it hard to meet their own needs, despite best efforts.
When your baby arrives, you soon realise the depth of love you can have for your child. Sometimes this is immediate and sometimes it grows over time. When you fully experience this for yourself it can leave you feeling even more hurt and confused by things that happened in your own childhood. You may find yourself dealing with a whole new wave of grief as you question how people could have harmed you in the way they did.
Relationships with extended family can become more complex when we become parents ourselves, pushing them into the spotlight and putting them under more strain. For example, I had a client who struggled when family members pressured them for access to their baby because they had been mistreated by them in the past. Read How to Deal with Toxic Family Members for more on this.
You might feel yourself being pulled into unhelpful patterns or doing things that have been passed down through generations. Some people try to parent very differently. Some people want to do this but find it really hard.
Start Your Healing Journey
Let me end with some reassurance – you can heal and recover from whatever you’re going through right now. It doesn’t matter how long ago something happened, it’s never too late to have therapy.
If you’re looking for a gentle, supported way to start healing at a pace that feels safe and manageable for you, explore my on-demand course, Freedom Beyond Trauma.
Alternatively, subscribe to The Trauma Toolbox to receive my insights and expertise straight to your inbox every month. I also share lots of support via Instagram.
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