It Wasn’t Your Fault – The One Thing I Want You to Know About Trauma
As a trauma therapist, one of the things that constantly surprises me is the amount of people who end up blaming themselves for the bad things that have happened to them.
Sadly, this pattern of self-blame often persists throughout their lives. Not only do they blame themselves for the trauma they experienced in the past, but they also go onto blame themselves for all the subsequent bad things that happen as a result. They end up questioning themselves and questioning their choices. They minimise their own pain and often overestimate how much they could have done differently in the first place.
Why is Self-Blame So Common After Trauma?
Trauma affects our identity and often causes us to see ourselves in a negative way. Self-blame can rapidly take root in amongst these harsh, critical thoughts.
Lots of people blame themselves because of how they responded, or didn’t respond, to trauma. They can find it hard to show themselves compassion, and therefore feel ashamed of being anxious, angry or afraid. Read Why Didn’t I Fight Back? for more on this.
Self-blame is also part of how the brain tries to make sense of painful, difficult things. Sometimes we blame ourselves because it’s easier than blaming somebody else. Blaming ourselves can also give us a sense of control. ‘If it was my fault this bad thing happened, I can do better and make sure it doesn’t happen again’. If we recognise the bad thing wasn’t our fault, we must acknowledge it was unpredictable or due to the actions of another person. This is far more frightening because we can’t control those things.
For a child experiencing trauma, it can be untenable to believe an adult is to blame for the bad things happening to them. They rely on that adult to survive, and if they believe they’re responsible for the bad things, that relationship would be difficult to maintain. In the mind of a child, it makes far more sense, and feels much safer, to blame themselves. In a strange way, ‘it was my fault, I’m too difficult, I’m not lovable enough’ is more reassuring than accepting the fact an adult is unsafe and they are powerless to do anything about it.
Self-Blame and Hidden Causes of Trauma
When trauma is more subtle, people often assume they are the problem, not the things that happened to them or the environment they were raised in.
When I ask clients about their childhood, many will begin by telling me things were okay. They were fed and watered. But when we delve deeper, we discover there were lots of important things missing from their childhood. Not having things like love and safety as a child can shape someone’s entire sense of self, their adult life, and the way they experience the world. But it can also be difficult to recognise and acknowledge the impact of these hidden causes of trauma.
As the name suggests, hidden causes of trauma aren’t obvious traumas, and the fallout is often internalised. This means people tend to think there’s something inherently wrong with them rather than looking outside of themselves for the cause.
It Wasn't Your Fault
The most important thing to remember is that thoughts are not facts. Even when they feel deep, long held and true, they’re not. They’re just opinions your brain formed at the time. Some trauma therapy focuses on these thoughts or beliefs directly, some doesn’t. Whichever approach you take, changing the belief is often a byproduct of processing the trauma.
For some of the clients I work with, they’ve never even considered the possibly that what happened to them wasn’t their fault. When I offer this as a perspective, they’re completely shocked. This is a really important part of our work together because allowing ourselves to come to new conclusions and relinquishing self-blame is a fundamental step in healing from trauma.
Freedom Beyond Trauma
If you’re looking for a gentle, supported way to start healing at a pace that feels safe and manageable for you, explore my on-demand course, Freedom Beyond Trauma.
Alternatively, subscribe to The Trauma Toolbox to receive my insights and expertise straight to your inbox every month. I also share lots of support via Instagram.
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