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How to Be a Good Parent After a Bad Childhood


thriving as a parent after childhood trauma

Something I see repeatedly in my work with survivors of childhood trauma is the very real fear that they will struggle to be good parents themselves because of their early life experiences. They do not want their history to become their child’s destiny, but they worry the burden of breaking generational patterns may be too great.

     

I Had a Bad Childhood – Can I Be a Good Parent?

Before we explore this topic in more detail, I want to emphasise that many people who’ve experienced a difficult childhood go on to be fantastic loving, nurturing parents. The following article is not a criticism of people who’ve survived a challenging upbringing, and I am not saying they will become abusers or treat their children as they were treated. Instead, I want to acknowledge and explore how traumatic experiences in childhood can create certain challenges that might impact how we parent our own children.


Whatever your background, parenting is hard work. It’s rewarding, but it’s also one of the toughest jobs you’ll ever do. Before having children, many of us underestimate the impact they can have on us emotionally and physically. Experiencing a difficult childhood and surviving various traumas can add an extra layer of complexity, but it does not mean you will do a bad job.


Why Parenting After Childhood Trauma Can Be Challenging

Becoming a parent can challenge how we view ourselves. For example, before I had children, I was a perfectionist. To be more specific, I used perfectionism to mask and manage low self-esteem. If I was doing things perfectly, everything was fine. When I had children, I couldn’t sustain this approach, so the negative view I had of myself was blown wide open. This impacted how I saw myself as a parent and therefore how I parented.


For survivors of childhood trauma, this can show up in various ways. Perhaps staying calm and not shouting is one of the ways you differentiate yourself from your abuser. If this becomes difficult when you have children of your own, you may struggle with the feelings this provokes.  


Whether we realise it or not, we learn a lot from our primary caregivers about how to parent and look after children. If you have not had these things modelled to you in a positive way, you may feel like you don’t have the skills you need to be a good parent. You may purposefully choose to do things differently because you don’t want to re-create patterns from your own childhood and perpetuate generational trauma.


Wrestling with these thoughts and your desire to create a better life for your children can be overwhelming on top of the usual challenges of becoming a parent. It’s also possible that the perpetrators of your abuse might still be in your life and therefore in your children’s lives. Obviously, this can cause a lot of additional stress and anxiety.


For some survivors of childhood trauma, having their own children can be very triggering. Things from the past they believe they have dealt with, compartmentalised or overcome can rise to the surface and cause issues. For example, crying and other overt expressions of a child’s needs can trigger somebody’s memories of their own unmet needs. They may find it hard to respond to the demands of parenting while processing their own difficult memories.

Having children of your own can also shine a light and magnify what you didn’t have when you were little or what was missing from your own childhood. This can feel painful to acknowledge.


Childhood Trauma, Parenting and Emotional Regulation

Parenting is a steep learning curve, and often our most basic needs aren’t fully met. Things like getting enough sleep, eating regular meals, and having the time and space to do things we enjoy can easily fall by the wayside when you have children. This can impact our capacity to tolerate stress and regulate our emotions. If you’ve experienced early life trauma, you may already find these things difficult.


Trust me, every parent finds it challenging to keep their cool when a toddler throws a tantrum because they’ve been given their banana with the skin off instead of on! If past trauma has reduced your capacity for stress and made emotional regulation difficult, you’ll have to work even harder to remain calm. If you’re also juggling a newborn while mistakenly peeling that banana, it’s safe to say your capacity will be incredibly stretched.


In other words, what you’re feeling is completely understandable and not a sign that you’re a bad parent. You might need some help to deal with the challenges you’re currently facing, but none of this is insurmountable.    


Strategies to Help

As I said at the outset, parenting is difficult whether you’ve been through trauma or not. Nobody gets it right all the time, so it’s important to give yourself grace. I am sure you are trying your best. If you’re reading this and thinking about your own parenting, that’s a good sign. It shows you’re aware and open to thinking about how you do things.


Here are a few tips to help you manage some of the challenges that can arise if you’re parenting after childhood trauma:

 

·       Look for other parenting role models. Maybe you had a friend whose mother made you feel cared for or a teacher who made you feel special. When you find yourself questioning your ability to be a good parent, focus on what you learned from them.   


·       When things are difficult or you feel triggered, try to notice and acknowledge your emotional responses, especially in relation to your child.


·       Practice taking a compassionate stance towards yourself and your child. You can read more about self-compassion and trauma here.  


·       Try to make space to prioritise some of your own needs. You cannot pour from an empty cup.


·       Get the right support. If you’re struggling with any of the things described in this article and you’d like a professional to help you heal and recover, please get in touch.


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