‘People Have It So Much Worse Than Me’ – Why You Deserve to Heal from Trauma Too
In the therapy room, comparison often sounds like ‘I know people have it so much worse than me’. When I was in the military, we used to call this the ‘hierarchy of horrors’ – the idea that someone else’s trauma is more dramatic, profound, or intense than your own.
Unfortunately, this is a very common belief among the clients I see. So many people come to therapy believing they are unworthy of help or that they should be able to cope without support. I always feel sad when I hear this.
The Comparison Trap – Why Do We Think This Way?
1. It’s How We’re Wired
From an evolutionary perspective, humans are wired for comparison. In the past, comparing ourselves to others was a critical tool for survival. It helped early humans learn from those around them, understand rules, and find their place in social hierarchies.
However, in the age of social media and 24-hour news, when we have far too much information about everybody else’s lives, this aspect of human nature has become more of a hindrance. If we compare our pain and suffering to others, we can easily convince ourselves that our feelings are invalid.
2. We’re Afraid of Seeming Weak
As well as being wired to think this way, I believe stigma plays a part. Some people really struggle with the idea of being ‘weak’ and feel they should be able to cope, no matter what. This way of thinking is more prevalent in certain personality types and can also be influenced by the type of trauma someone has experienced.
3. It’s a Trauma Response
Comparison can also be a trauma response or unhelpful coping strategy in its own right. Trauma forces us to adapt and find ways to cope with what we’ve been through, but the things we do to survive can later come back to bite us.
For example, minimising our own experience protects us from suffering. If we don’t acknowledge how truly painful something is, we can avoid it. However, the longer you ignore trauma, the worse it gets. The brain doesn’t forget unprocessed memories from trauma. Instead, they sit there blocking our ability to move forward.
4. It’s Hyper-Independence
The term hyper-independent is used to describe a person who rarely, if ever, asks for, seeks or accepts help from others.
Hyper-independence has a few different components. In part, it’s an emotional response. You might feel you can’t ask, shouldn’t need, or don’t require help with any aspect of your life. There’s also a cognitive component. You may have certain beliefs about what it means to do things on your own, what it means to ask for help, and how others will respond. This is where comparison might come in. Finally, there’s a behavioural component to hyper-independence. Part of it is just getting on with things and coping by yourself.
Read Why Is It So Hard to Ask for Help? to learn more.
Why Is Comparing Our Pain a Problem?
Comparing your own pain and trauma to other people’s can leave you feeling isolated and prevent you from seeking the help and support you need.
Someone else having it worse doesn’t make what you’re carrying any lighter. No matter what you’ve been through, how you rank your trauma has no bearing on how it affects you. You may not believe you’re worthy of support, but the impact of your pain can be just as severe and have huge implications for your mental health and wellbeing.
Here’s What I Want You to Know…
Trauma and pain are not a competition. The fact that someone else is suffering doesn’t cancel out what you’re carrying. Our nervous system doesn’t measure our experiences against other people’s and decide whether they are worth responding to, it just responds.
You don’t need to justify your pain. Your experiences matter, your feelings are valid, and you deserve support regardless of how your story compares to anyone else’s.
Unfortunately, pain and suffering are an inevitable part of being human. This is something we all have in common. It is a shared experience, and a subjective one. This means nobody’s pain is more or less worthy than anyone else’s, and therefore we are all equally deserving of care, support, and kindness when we are struggling.
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Therapy for Trauma
If you’re struggling with any of the things described in this article and you’d like an expert to help you heal and recover, please get in touch. Alternatively, you can subscribe to The Trauma Toolbox to receive my insights and tips straight to your inbox every month. I also share lots of mental health education via Instagram.
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