How to Deal with Toxic Family Members – A Therapist’s Perspective

Fortitude Psychological Therapy
3 days ago
4 min read

The relationships we have with family, particularly our primary caregivers, are incredibly powerful. They shape our early understanding of things like love, safety, trust, and whether or not we’re important in the world. Our experiences within our family can also inform how we perceive ourselves, how we regulate our emotions, and our behaviour in other important relationships throughout our lives.

Family dynamics can be intense because they contain so much depth and history. It’s not uncommon for traumatic events to occur in the context of the family. For example, things like emotional neglect, abuse, heavy criticism and parentification (where roles are reversed and a child or adolescent is forced to provide excessive emotional or practical support to a parent). For people who have experienced trauma within the context of their family, certain situations and interactions can easily trigger and activate nervous system responses.

The power and influence these relationships have over us, and the potential for them to be fraught or triggering, leaves many adults wondering how to deal with toxic family members. In this article, we’ll examine what constitutes a toxic family dynamic and explore different ways of coping.

What Do We Mean By ‘Toxic Family Members’?

When I use the term ‘toxic’, I’m referring to relationships that repeatedly feel unsafe, unhealthy, emotionally draining, or harmful in some way. It’s much more than one or two arguments. It’s a repeated pattern of consistent harmful behaviour and a failure to address or change things.

These days, ‘toxic’ has become something of an overused term, especially online. Personally, I feel the nuance required to explore and understand this particular topic is often missing.

It’s important to acknowledge there is no such thing as a perfect family. Families are made up of human beings and human beings are flawed and imperfect. As such, it’s normal to experience some level of conflict and disagreement within a family. It’s also normal for people to behave imperfectly and make mistakes.

How to Spot a Toxic Family Dynamic

A toxic family dynamic typically contains things like constant criticism, abuse of any kind, manipulation, and persistently poor communication that has a harmful impact on others. It might include constant boundary violations, extreme anger, and attempts to control or coerce you.

Here are some signs your family dynamic might be toxic:

You feel extremely anxious before interacting with family members.
You consistently feel emotionally exhausted and drained afterwards.
Conversations often leave you feeling criticised and inadequate.
Your boundaries are constantly being violated, and you don’t feel able to assert yourself.
You minimise your own needs and emotions in order to keep the peace.
There is a lack of accountability and no change in behaviour when you do manage to share how you feel.

How to Deal with Toxic Family Members

1. Adjust Your Expectations

Deep inside, there is a child version of us seeking the approval of our family. This is why we return to situations that are harmful – we are looking for love, approval, and care. Even when experience tells us these things will not be forthcoming, there is still a part of us that wants to believe they will.

Adjusting your expectations can make a big difference. The best way to protect ourselves from repeated pain and disappointment is to acknowledge and accept we aren’t going to find the things we need within this particular relationship. It’s important to remember that just because somebody is family, it doesn’t mean your relationship with them will be a positive one.

2. Establish Clear Boundaries

Some useful boundaries to establish might be limiting certain types of conversations, saying no to difficult interactions, or leaving situations that become untenable. You don’t necessarily need to communicate these boundaries – just having a sense of them in your own mind can be empowering. Read Help! I Need Better Boundaries for more on this.

3. Go Low/No Contact

Reducing contact, or only having contact in specific, less triggering situations, is another option. This might look like short visits or avoiding interactions that are heavily emotionally laden.

For some people, particularly those who have experienced abuse, it is necessary to go completely no contact with toxic family members. Usually, this is an act of self-preservation – something people need to do to limit the impact on their mental health. Often, it is a very difficult decision, leading to all sorts of complicated emotions like grief and sadness.

4. Seek Professional Help

Sometimes, people struggle to implement the steps outlined above. Instead, they find themselves being pulled back into old family dynamics and patterns of behaviour. Therapy can help you develop and solidify these initial strategies. It can also support you with the fallout of going low or no contact, and the complexity of emotions that can exist alongside this decision.

Find Out More

If you’re struggling with any of the things described in this article and you’d like support to help you heal and recover, please get in touch. Alternatively, subscribe to The Trauma Toolbox to receive my insights and tips straight to your inbox every month. I also share lots of support via Instagram.