The slow, silent heartbreak of the working mum,
I am grateful to have a job, my bills paid and a roof over my head, the mantra I repeat to myself, to the world, the précis of any complaint to ensure my gratitude does not go unnoticed,
In a world of pain and suffering, this feels small, self indulgent even, but it matters because I am your world my little people as you are mine,
Working hard, striving to provide you with everything you need and all you could wish for,
The pressure to make these long days without you count,
Revisiting that calculator in my mind to tot up if we would be better off doing things differently,
We could be rich on time and connection, but who might I be without this other self I have carved out in the world, she who existed before you came along,
Frantically searching for ways to make each moment matter,
To squeeze every last drop out of my time with you,
Juggling, close to the wire on when I should be occupied by my adult tasks while trying desperately to get a little bit more of us,
To be more present in your life,
To be the face you see when you burst through the door, full of energy and tales of your adventures,
On days like today, I long to give you all of me instead of just parts,
They aren’t little for long, people tell me, imparting their wisdom, like I don’t know,
This is what I tell myself each day as I tuck you into bed and you ask me for one more story, stroke my belly mummy, hold my hand mummy, stay and hold me a little longer,
My head reminds me of all the unfinished tasks awaiting me, thoughts of squeezing it all in before the day begins again,
But those invisible threads that connect our heart and minds tug at me stay,
And stay I will my little loves, for you are the glue that heals the cracks in my broken heart,
and so I remain close and quietly whisper, stay and hold ME for a little longer 💚
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