Why Do I Never Feel Good Enough? – A Trauma Therapist’s Perspective
Are you someone who never feels good enough no matter what you do in life? Maybe you’ve achieved a lot, and the people around you think you have everything together, but on the inside you feel broken. You just can’t keep that nagging sense of self-doubt away. Your emotions are overwhelming and your inner dialogue is riddled with self-criticism and self-blame. ‘What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just get on with things?’
Where do these thoughts come from? More importantly, what can you do about them?
In this article, we’ll explore how your past experiences might have shaped your inner world, including your thoughts, emotions, nervous system, and behaviours, and why the patterns you struggle with now make sense. I’ll also explain how your brain and nervous system learned to survive, and why it’s entirely possible for them, and you, to learn something new.
Low Self-Worth and Never Feeling Good Enough
For some people, no matter how hard they try, their sense of self-worth is always precarious. They might look okay on the outside, and other people might be surprised to learn how they see themselves, but internally they’re dealing with a persistent reminder that they’re not living up to the standards they’ve set themselves.
Other people feel good enough some of the time, but as soon as things go wrong their poor self-worth kicks in. Rather than external factors beyond their control, they believe whatever they’re struggling with must be a sign there’s something wrong with them.
As well as a general feeling of not being good enough, these negative thoughts can show up in specific places. For example, at work, in relationships, or while parenting.
Why Do I Never Feel Good Enough?
Research and psychological theory show us that the foundation of our emotional difficulties is often laid in childhood. So, if you experienced trauma or adversity in your early life, you may have a hard time feeling good enough as an adult.
Our experiences and our environment shape us from the moment we arrive in this world. Before we even start walking and talking, our nervous system is being moulded by what happens around us. As we grow, these experiences gain language and take on new meaning. Your sense of being loved or unloved becomes ‘I am lovable’ or ‘I am unlovable’.
Comparison can also play a role in not feeling good enough. These thoughts might be triggered by watching others and comparing yourselves to them, but people with low self-worth also tend to believe everybody else is doing better than them no matter what.
Understanding the Impact of What Did and Didn’t Happen in Your Past
Trauma, and the messages we internalise about ourselves because of it, can come from things that happened in the past and/or things that didn’t.
During our most formative years, trauma can stem from care you didn’t receive, a lack of safety, and the absence of love, protection and stability. Some people call these ‘hidden causes of trauma’ because they’re often overlooked.
In this sense, not feeling good enough can come from experiencing constant criticism rather than the love and praise children usually receive. The same goes for conditional love or a complete absence of care and attention. Your needs not being met becomes ‘I am not worthy of care’. Being spoken to in a harsh way becomes ‘I am bad’. And unpredictability becomes ‘I am unsafe’.
People who have experienced trauma also tend to have a more vigilant threat response. This means they’re always scanning for danger. If they also experienced criticism, conditional love, or a complete lack of love from their primary caregivers, making a mistake or an error could be perceived and processed as a threat. It’s possible they will be more aware of their own ‘mistakes’, and therefore more likely to recognise them and respond negatively.
If any of this sounds familiar, you might find the following links useful:
Here’s What I Want You to Know…
I know how difficult it can be to live with these kinds of thoughts and feelings. Your internal dialogue impacts how you feel emotionally, and it can lead to other problems like feeling low or anxious.
If you’ve had periods without experiencing these thoughts, it can feel really overwhelming when they pop up again. After working so hard, you might feel like you’ve been blindsided. Your inner dialogue says, ‘of course, I’m not good enough after all’ and hopelessness kicks in.
The good news is your brain can change. We can rewire those childhood messages, and you can learn new ways of thinking and feeling.
Neuroplasticity means new patterns, new beliefs, and new ways of experiencing yourself are possible, even after a lifetime of feeling the way you do now. You are not what happened to you. You are what you are becoming, and that can always change.
Freedom Beyond Trauma
If you’re looking for a gentle, supported way to start healing at a pace that feels safe and manageable for you, explore my on-demand course, Freedom Beyond Trauma.
Alternatively, subscribe to The Trauma Toolbox to receive my insights and expertise straight to your inbox every month. I also share lots of support via Instagram.
Useful Links
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