Help, I Need Better Boundaries! – A Trauma Therapist’s Perspective
- Fortitude Psychological Therapy
- 6 days ago
- 4 min read
How do you feel about boundaries? It’s a complex topic, so my intention here is to cut through some of the noise and really get into what healthy boundaries look like and why they’re so important, particularly for people who’ve experienced trauma.
What Do We Mean By ‘Healthy Boundaries’?
I like to describe boundaries as invisible lines that help us define what’s acceptable and what’s unacceptable for us as individuals. The line is your boundary, and things will sit on either side of this.
Boundaries can be about physical things. How close you let people get to you or whether you accept hugs. Boundaries can also be emotional. For example, how much of your inner world you’re willing to share with other people. Finally, boundaries can include practical or logistical considerations such as which social events you say yet to or how much time you’re able to commit to a friendship.
Boundaries need to be flexible to be healthy. We need to understand when to flex and why we’re flexing. For example, shutting everyone out and never going anywhere with others isn’t a healthy boundary. Even if spending time alone is a priority, we still need to understand when to allow connection and when to commit to things. Having healthy boundaries requires us to tune into ourselves and make decisions on a case-by-case basis with those invisible lines in mind.
Healthy boundaries help us keep a balance in our lives. They’re not a onetime thing. We have to keep reviewing them. Life changes, and as we move through different seasons our boundaries might also need to change.
The Impact of Childhood Trauma
If you experienced trauma as a child, setting boundaries might be difficult. People who grow up with consistent love, care and respect as children learn early on that it’s okay to have needs, and to have these needs met. They know it’s safe to say no, and they feel quite comfortable doing so, because they trust people will still love them and care about them if they do.
If you grew up having your needs dismissed or ignored, you’ll have learned that your needs don’t matter. This makes it hard to implement boundaries because you don’t believe you deserve to be taken care of. You don’t believe you are allowed to say no, and you might worry people won’t love you if you do. If you were punished or faced harsh consequences for saying no or refusing to comply, you might even believe boundaries put you in danger.
If your only experience growing up was complete chaos, you might have learned to cope with this by having really rigid boundaries. For example, completely shutting everybody out or having really strict parameters for where you go, what you do, or how you do it.
In all these examples, the brain is just trying to keep you safe. Your attitude to boundaries now reflects what you needed to do in the past to survive, but now it’s keeping you stuck.
What it Feels Like to Have Poor Boundaries
Signs you may have poor boundaries include things like:
Staying in unhealthy relationships
Tolerating poor treatment
Feeling unable to say no
A tendency to overcommit that leads to feeling burnt out
Neglecting your own needs and constantly putting others first until you’re running on empty
Without healthy boundaries, life can feel really chaotic. You might feel drained and overwhelmed. It’s not uncommon to feel resentful of other people, and you might even feel physically or emotionally unsafe. Often, if your boundaries are poor, it can lead to compromising your values. You may find you don’t have enough time or energy for the things that matter, and your wellbeing can suffer.
If any of this sounds familiar, don’t worry. We can always review and change our boundaries and get better at upholding them.
My Tips for Building Healthy Boundaries
First, pause and be curious about your needs and desires, particularly if setting boundaries is unfamiliar to you. Ask yourself what feels okay in your life and what doesn’t. What do I want here? What do I need?
Next, start practising boundaries in low-key ways. For example, when someone asks for a simple favour, pause and say, ‘let me think about it’ rather than just saying yes. The more you practice holding healthy boundaries in small ways, the easier it will be in more important situations such as dealing with long-term problematic relationships, difficult family members, or engaging with people who have treated you badly in the past.
Just because something feels uncomfortable doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Holding a boundary can be difficult, especially if you’ve never done it before, but that discomfort isn’t an indicator you’re doing the wrong thing. It just means you’re doing something new.
Remember not everything needs an explanation. It’s enough to say, ‘sorry, I can’t make it’ rather than giving a big, long explanation as to why. Some people might not like your boundaries, especially if they’ve benefitted from your lack of boundaries in the past. That’s their problem not yours. Try and hold the boundary even if somebody else isn’t happy about it.
Therapy for Trauma
If you’re struggling with any of the things described in this article and you’d like an expert to help you heal and recover, please get in touch. Alternatively, subscribe to The Trauma Toolbox to receive my insights and tips straight to your inbox every month. I also share lots of mental health education via Instagram.
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